Steven Wrights citat kan man sitta och läsa i evigheter. Bokstavligt talat, dels har han spottat ur sig hur många som helst och dels är det otroligt jävla roliga.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
How do you get off of a non-stop flight?
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?'
I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Since Americans throw rice at weddings,do Asians throw hamburgers?
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?
I knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I'm a psychic amnesiac.
I know in advance what I'll forget
Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I was born by Cesarean section. But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.
So I'm going to move to New York.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...
Eventually.
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Sen så har vi ju en väldig massa saker. Nu senast skrattade jag högt åt Shaun of the Dead. Men såklart så har vi ju Bottom, The Young Ones, Woody Allen, Kvarteret Skatan, Hej Domstol!,
The parking lot is full, The Big Lebowski och Barbarella.
Däremot så har jag helt ändrat åsikt vad gäller The Far Side som jag nu mer inte ens flinar åt. Vad är grejen?
Men det finns ju en hel del serier som jag inte gillar. Nemi (okej att gothare är lättledda konsumenter, men någon hejd får det ju ändå vara), Ernie, Dilbert, Kalle och Hobbe, Mort Walkers samlade verk (men vem gillar dem?) och Elvis.
Överhuvudtaget så är dagens strippserier i ett bedrövligt skick, den enda jag tycker sticker ut lite är Rocky.
När jag ändå gnäller kan jag ju passa på att ta lite annat som jag tycker är skit. T.ex. Ulvesson och Herngren. Så jävulskt torftigt och överarbetat. Trots att Herngren och Johan Glans är två av mina favoriter så lyckas de bara knåda ihop en otroligt tam kopia av The Office.
Men värst av allt som sänts på svensk tv den senaste tiden måste vara Stockholm Live. Vad är det jag missar? Står de medvetet och drar dåliga skämt som någon slags dubbelironi? Hur många gånger ska vi behöva höra Özz säga att kurder är konstiga? Är det verkligen kul att höra den där andra kurden säga att han är snygg sju gånger i varje program? Hur många gånger ska vi behöver höra den där tjocka finnen säga att finnar dricker mycket? Vem har gett dem pengar att baka ihop den där skitbullen till show? Blir skämt om invandrare roligare bara för att det är invandrare som drar dem? Jajja, nu var det slutgnällt.
Det är konstigt eftersom jag normalt inte är speciellt road alls av ramla omkull-humor, jag får skylla på maximalt omkulltrillande per tidsenhet och den stämningsfulla musiken.