Här kommer den engelska armadan
Här ska gränsen för stora inlägg testas.
Jag råkade nämligen hitta en störra samling skämt på datorn. I gymnasiet var jag med i nån mailinglist och fick glada skämt en gång i veckan. Tydligen hade jag sparat ett gäng (för övrigt är Krilles både grodskämt med här). Och angående dom så vill jag klaga på trådens namn, historierna är lika våldsamt roliga idag som när jag först läste dom.
Here we go.
Pills:
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to
do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that
might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that
night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says
she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but
to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her
husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a
person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of
the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the
dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in
the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
===================================================
Chinese Tourture:
There was a man who was traveling to different cities and he was very tired
from walking all day. One night, he saw this really big and tall house and he
wondered if anyone lived there. He went up to the house and knocked on the
door. An ugly old Chinese man opened the door. The traveler asked the old
man if he could stay there for the night because he was tired. The Chinese
man agreed to let him stay the night but only if he didn't touch his young
virgin daughter. The old man also said that if the traveler touched his
daughter, he would inflict him with the three Chinese tortures. The traveling
man, thinking the daughter was as ugly as the old man, agreed to this. Later
that night while eating dinner, the man saw the old man's daughter and they
instantly fell in love. That night, they had sex all night long. When the
traveler woke up in the morning, he had a 10 pound rock on his chest with a
note that said, "1st Chinese Torture-- 10 pound rock on chest."
The man easily picked up the rock off him and thought to himself, "Oh big
deal, this isn't punishment at all for what I did last night!" With that, the
man walked up to the window and threw the rock outside. The second he did
that, he read a sign saying, "2nd Chinese Torture--rock tied to your left
nut." Panicked, the man jumped out the window so that the rock couldn't
pull his balls off. After he jumped out the window, he read another sign that
said, "3rd Chinese Torture-- right nut tied to the bed."
===================================================
Headache:
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and
love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred
from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved
the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is
that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but
to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment
and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half
neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head
and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
===================================================
Cat & Mice:
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the
Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat you lived a good life and if there is
any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.
The cat thinks for a moment and says Lord, all my life I have lived with a
poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. The Lord stops the cat
and says say no more and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to
heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The
mice answer All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from
cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think
we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?" The Lord says
say no more and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on
the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, How are things since
you are here? The cat stretches and yawns and replies It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have
been sending by are the best!!!
===================================================
Hand lotion:
Bob and Fred are walking by a 7-Eleven, as Bob turns to Fred and says,
I dare you to take off your clothes, go into the store, buy two candy bars,
and come back outside to get your clothes! Fred then asks, What’s in it for
me? Bob exclaims, I’ll give you $200! Okay, Fred replied. So Fred strips down
to nothing, walks into the store, buys the two candy bars, and exits the
store. When he get outside he noticed that Bob was gone with his clothes.
Freaking out, he notices three nuns walking by, so he freezes with his hands
pressed to his chest, one candy bar in each hand. The three nuns walk over to
him. Ah, a vending machine!, the first nun says. So she puts two quarters in
his mouth, yanks on his dick, and gets a candy bar. I want one too, the
second nun says. So she puts two quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick,
and gets a candy bar. The third nun, being a little impatient, says, Let me
through, I might want one you know! So the nuns step aside, as she puts two
quarters in his mouth, yanks on his dick, but doesn’t get anything. So she
continues yanking and yanking and yanking. Giving up she says, I may not have
gotten a candy bar, but I did get some nice hand lotion!
===================================================
Confession:
A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a
son-of-a-bitch yesterday".
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission".
"Do you mean like this?". He touches her arm.
"Yes Father".
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch". "But Father, he also
touched my breasts".
"Do you mean like this?". He touches her breasts.
"Yes Father".
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch".
"But Father, he took off my clothes".
"Like this?". He takes off her clothes.
"Yes Father".
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch".
"But Father, he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where".
"Like this?". He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Y-Y-Yes Father", she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch".
"But Father, he has Herpes".
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
===================================================
The Lucky Frog.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is
shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the
man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to
next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the
man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel..
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him
he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
===================================================
The Engineer:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"
===================================================
The Dog:
When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser.
Well I chose to name my dog "Sex". But lately Sex has been a little
embarassing to me. I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a
license for him. I went up to the clerk and said "I would like to have a
license for Sex". He said he would like to have one too. I said "You don't
understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said I must have
been quite a kid. Last year they were auditioning dogs for a commercial on
dog food. I took Sex to the studio to see if he would get the part. But
suddenly Sex started to run off around the studio. I went after him, but the
crew manager grabbed my arm and asked what I was doing here. I told him I was
hoping to have Sex on TV. He called me a showoff. One day Sex ran out on me
in the middle of the night. I went around the neighbourhood looking for him.
A cop came and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for Sex. My
case comes up this Friday...
===================================================
The Wife:
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.
The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do
it again. She still wants more but the guy is exhausted so he excuses himself
to take a leak. While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away
changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've
given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your
flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop raps on the
window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do
that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was
my wife until you shined the light on her!"
===================================================
A chap with a 50 inch long dick goes to his doctor to complain that he is
unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my dick
is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you
can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know
this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions
to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my
dick is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you
help me shorten it?"
The witch asks, "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50
inch rod. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then
replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is
go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting
on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will
you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your dick will be
ten inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came uponthe pond
and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog,
"will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The
man looked down and suddenly his dick was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he
screamed out loud, "This is great! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so
I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in
its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his dick,
looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is
fantastic." He looked down at his dick again, 30 inches long, and reflected
for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,
"NO, NO, and for the last time NO!"
===================================================
Church:
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat
pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher
got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all
there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?"
she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God
all mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze
off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us
from our sins?"
The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".
The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got
to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?"
the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick
that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
===================================================
The Frog Story:
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful
Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
===================================================
This guy owns a motorcycle. There is a broken seal on the gas can so every
time it rains water will leak into the tank. To fix this he puts a little
vaseline on the crack and no water can get in. Well, his girlfriend invites
him over for dinner. So he rides his bike over to her house and she is
outside waiting for him. He walks up and gives her a kiss. She says
"My family is a little wierd, we had a fight over doing trhe dishes a couple
weeks ago and no-one has done them since. And the first person to talk during
dinner will have to do them."
He thinks she is joking and they go inside and the meal begins. No-one speaks
for a long time. He gets an idea, he reaches over and pinches his girlfriends
butt. She gives him a dirty look but doesn't say anything. So he grabs her
boob. Another dirty look but again she doesn't say a word. So he picks her up
and has sex with her on the table right in front of her parents. They finish
and sit down. Well, the girlfriend is happy, the Mom is jealous, and the Dad
is mad. No-one said anything.
They eat some more and he gets another idea. He walks around to the other
side of the table and picks up her Mom and has sex with her on table. They
finish and sit down. The Mom is happy, the girlfriend is jealous, and the Dad
is furious. No-one said anything.
They eat some more and he lookes out the window and sees that it is starting
to rain. So he jumps up and grabs the jar of vaseline to go put it on his
bike. Before he even moves the Dad stands up and yells "ALLRIGHT, I'LL DO THE
FUCKIN' DISHES."
===================================================
Four Upscale gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in
the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while
walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and
construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able
to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a
car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in
fact, in the last six months, he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in
the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have
been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell you the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out,
he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just
recently discovered he's gay. But, on the bright side, he must be a good at
what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new
house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
===================================================
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and
reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you.
Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly,
and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but,
yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and
says, "Yes, definitely."
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are
living with a couple of whores."
===================================================
The Postman:
George the postman was on the final day of his job after serving the same
neighbourhood for 35 years. At his first house he was greeted by a family
who clapped and cheered him and presented with a healthy gift envelope. At
the second house he was presented with a case of fine wine and at the third a
box of Havana cigers. At the forth house, George was greeted by a beautiful
blonde in a revealing nightie who took him upstairs and treated him to the
best sex he had ever had. Afterwards she led him to the kitchen and cooked
him breakfast. As the stunning woman poured the coffee the postie noticed a
coin next to his cup. What's the pound coin for?" he asked. "Oh," the woman
replied. "Last night I told my husband it was your last day, and asked him
what we should give you as a special treat. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a
pound. The breakfast was my idea."
===================================================
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed
a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her
condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again
and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why
he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help
noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans
Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a
shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could
not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
===================================================
The Pharmacist:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after
dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the
boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That
night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend
at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes
pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his
head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
===================================================
Lawn mower:
A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager
shows the kid round, and explains that the company policy was to sell a
product, with a product. The kid looked confused... so the manager said he
would show him what he meant. Now, it just so happened that a customer
approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed. "Certainly",
pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, "and what sort of lawn mower would
you like?"
The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on "Well, you will sow the
grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a lawn mower to cut it."
"I hadn't thought of that," says the customer, "I'll take the lawn mower as
well then"... and the customer leaves the store happy.
The manager then looks at the kid and says "Now do you understand our
policy?"
to which the kid replies "Yes...it's good!!"
Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid "Go on,
you can deal with this guy".
So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. "Yes" replies the guy hesitantly,
"Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife..."
"Certainly", pointing to a shelf with tapons etc on it,
"and what sort of lawn mower would you like?" The customer looked baffled and
the manager's face drops, so the kid went on "Well, the weekend's fucked...
you may as well cut the grass!"
===================================================
Holy Water:
Four nuns are all killed in a head on collision. They soon find themselves at
the pearly gates of heaven, looking right at St. Peter himself. "Sisters",
said St. Peter, "before I can let you into the kingdom of heaven I must ask
each of you, in turn, this question." St. Peter looks at the first nun and
says, "Sister, have you ever touched the sex of a man?"
To this the nun replied, "Yes, St. Peter, I once touched the sex of a man
with my right hand."
"Very well. Hold out your right hand."
The first nun did as she was instructed, and St. Peter, dipping into a vessel
of holy water, proceeded to sprinkle the holy water onto the sister's right
hand. "You are now free to enter the kingdom of heaven."
St. Peter then asked the second nun the same question. To which the second
nun replied, "Yes, St. Peter, I once touched the sex of a man with my left
hand." St. Peter then performed the cleansing of the second nun's left hand
with the holy water. "You are now free to enter the kingdom of heaven."
Just as St. Peter was about to ask the question of the third nun, the fourth
nun piped up, "Excuse me, St. Peter? Could I get a drink of that holy water
before she sits in it?"
===================================================
Golf:
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the
twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the
guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to
the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and
immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical
therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be
alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she
persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands
away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside,
beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked.
"Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied, "But my thumb still
hurts like hell!"
===================================================
The first CIA applicant took a seat in the assistant director's office.
After some preliminary questions, the bureaucrat handed him a revolver and
told him to go into the next room and shoot his wife. "I can't do that," the
man protested. "We've been married only a year and I love her."
The next applicant was shown into the room. After a while, he was asked to
do the same thing as the first fellow. "Sir, I've been married for 20 years.
We have three beautiful children together and I'm still very much in love
with her. I can't do it."
When the third applicant was told what to do, he went into the next room.
Two shots were fired, followed by the sounds of lamps crashing and tables
overturning. Finally, he emerged, breathless and disheveled.
"What happened in there?" the interviewer asked.
"The gun had only blanks in it," the aspiring agent replied.
"I had to strangle her."
===================================================
A group of Indians captured a cowboy and brought him back to their camp so
their chief could pass judgment on him. The chief looks the cowboy up and
down and says, "You are going to die. But, even in our punishment is
compassion. We will give you a wish a day for three days. Then, on the
sundown of the third day, you die. Now, what is your first wish?"
"I want to see my horse," replied the cowboy.
The chief nodded and a brave was sent to fetch the cowboy's horse. When the
horse was brought to him, the cowboy grabbed the horse's ear, whispered
something, then slapped the horse on its rear. The horse took off.
Two hours later, the horse returns to the Indian's camp with a naked blonde
woman on its back. When the horse stopped, the woman jumped off the horse and
ran into the teepee where the cowboy was being held. The Indians all figured
"Typical white man, can only think of one thing."
The next day, when the cowboy was offered his second wish, he again wanted to
see his horse. Again, he whispered something into the horse's ear then
slapped the horse on the rear. The horse took off again.
Two hours later the horse returns with another naked woman on its back. This
time a redhead. She also jumped off the horse's back and went into the tee
pee where the cowboy was being held. Again the Indians all thought to
themselves, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of
one thing."
On the next day, the day the cowboy is to be put to death, the chief comes to
the cowboy and offers him his final wish. "I want to see my horse again,"
said the cowboy. The chief nodded and the horse was brought to the cowboy a
third and final time.
The cowboy grabbed the horse by both ears, twisted them real hard and yelled,
"Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
(Swedish comment: Posse = uppbåd, styrka (m.a.o hjälp) på svenska)
===================================================
Another Fart Joke
An English businesswomen explained to her doctor that she was always breaking
wind. At board meetings, during interviews, in lifts and on trams -- it was
impossible to control.
"But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor.
"They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know
I've let two go since I've been talking to you."
The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to
her.
"What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?"
"Yes," replied the doctor. "First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go
at your hearing"
===================================================
The Presidents New Pig
President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A
smiling Colonel greets The President, The conversation went like this:
Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.
President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.
Colonel: Nice trade Sir!
===================================================
*While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student
led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall.
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!
===================================================
Bowl Of Chili
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl
is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork
hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the
chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
===================================================
The Blondes...
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman
next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know
something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional
athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2",
weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a
blonde who is 6'5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional
kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have
to explain it three times."
===================================================
Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a
shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man
is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to
her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the
man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You
can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
===================================================
Poetry Contest
It was the finals in a poetry contest. The two finalists were a Yale graduate
and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes
containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was
"TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance
against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his
poem:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.
===================================================
Avid Golfer
A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare
one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in
9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and
asked if he could accompany the young man.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a
tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the
green.
After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the
old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that
tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the
ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one
foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only
3 feet tall."
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