Nemesis_UBBT
Warrior
Här är dom hemliga dagböckerna från LotR. Lång men kul.
Here we go...
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned
a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog. Not King today
either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. Very good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be
hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam
would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir.
He’s not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a
threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer.
Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not
so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I
was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My
God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King,
goddammit.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny
little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time?
Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back
down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am
developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.
Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my
nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest,
despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure
she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint.
She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose
to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in
800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.
Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting
to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.
Day 33: Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have
everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange
letters from someone calling herself ”Stacey” who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood.
Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he
expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir
definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off
to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure
Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky
braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he’s so
great because he’s shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because
someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly
stubble doesn’t mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go
on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn’s enormous...rudeness. Ooops.
Day Three: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he’d feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his... Stupid
Ring.
Day Five: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him
if he tries anything.
Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. ”Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo.” ”Boromir, let
*me* carry Frodo up Caradhras.” ”Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo’s head while he’s
asleep so you can get at the Ring.” Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten: Why isn’t Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not
turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.*
Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too.... In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet
unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take
baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33: Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won’t even let me look at it. Must admit I had
a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went
invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the
face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS
Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me
fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn’t quite entirely
sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf
medicine.
Day Three: Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Day Four: Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras.
Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be
affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after the
Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had no
idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not
just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just very peculiar.
Day 24: Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me
as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27: Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying,
”No, there’s something else I’d rather have from you, Frodo Baggins,” and trying to slide foot
up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of
them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30: Rowed all day in boats. Very tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group
massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although
did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we’re
cousins, right? Right?
Day 33: Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also
tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.
Day 36: Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Good
thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he’s so
good at. Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea
of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would
have liked me anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right
as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud?
Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to
help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave
him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six
baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably hasn’t taken a bath since
the Second Age.
Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five: Elf bubble bath colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all. *sulk*
Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers
are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so
brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly isn’t all that tall.
Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship very dodgy if you ask me. Especially
Boromir. ”Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight” my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy
hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.
Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he
tries anything.
Day Ten: Dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he
tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something
later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from
Shire not versed in wordly ways. Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick.
Day Fifteen: Lothlorien very pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left,
right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship
impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where going exactly,
but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as
long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so
as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that’s a big fib don’t we.
Day Twenty-Four: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor.
Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say
goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the
barren wastelands of the Dark Lord’s realm. We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
Day One: In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just
hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Day Two: Bilbo’s Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho
nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups.
Fellover.
Day Three: Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve: Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me
anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of
my inbox again.
Day Thirteen: Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy
hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen: Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen: Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for
giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you’d think I might have figured
out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen: Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo
baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty: Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into
the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case
Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One: Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked
Sam to give me a bath. He said, ”Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you’re not serious.” Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three: Cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo
up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may
have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five: Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry
about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven: Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of
Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see
Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond
does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
Day One: Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to
Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Day Two: Have met very nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just
because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
Day Three: Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except
of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have
heard some very bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Day Seven: Well, wouldn’t you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just
my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of
evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have
manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
Day Nine: Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to
yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old
Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he’s got a
hobbit, and I’m just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this
treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown.
Go me.
Day Thirteen: Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf.
Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and
would not have to wait until after breakfast.
Day Fourteen: All right, who’s been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Day Fifteen: Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save
me daily stair climb.
Day Sixteen: Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip
with four hobbits, a very buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that’s Aragorn son
of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then
there’s a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it’s a dwarf. What a
bunch of yobbos.
Day Twenty: Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. Very tedious
experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers.
Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create
super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Day Twenty-Two: Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be
so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be
Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
Day Twenty-Four: If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Day Twenty-Five: Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer very impressed. Aragorn obviously
fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Six: Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with
one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has
long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that ”Gondor” sounds just like ”gonad”
and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Day Twenty-Eight: Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir
convinced smallest hobbit to ”Blow the Horn of Gondor.” Have not laughed so hard since set
Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill.
Palantir great. Better than cable.
TTHE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PIPPIN
Day One: Decided to go with Frodo and Sam to Brie. Frodo is being followed by riders. Evil
little buggers, nearly killed Frodo.
Day Two: At the Prancing Pony. Gandalf stood us up. Had nice drinky with lads at inn, v.nice
chaps. Man kidnapped Frodo, Sam wants to kill him.
Day Three: Man knows about ring! Says he’s Strider, taking us to see Elves. He looks rugged
and manly. I wonder if he has a partner?
Day Four: Very hungery. Strider doesn’t know about second breakfast. This trip is getting
worse, but Strider has nice thighs. Dark Riders attack... stab Frodo. He’s going green. Strider
is really upset, I think he likes Frodo. Damn Strider.
Day Eight: Frodo has finally woke up. We’re at Rivindell, the elves are v.nice, but I think they
have their eye on Frodo. Damn Frodo’s cuteness! Loads of people arrived today, something
about a council meeting. Me and Merry having a laff, got into trouble for dying an Elf’s hair
pink while he was having a bath. Made to scub it out, took two days, hands now red. Damn
those Elves.
Day Nine: Volenteered to go to Mordor with Frodo and some weird people. Bad move! Found
out Strider is Aragorn king to Gondor. What a turn on! Sam keeps insisting to bath Frodo,
strange feeling Sam’s interested in him. Damn my cousin, why doesn’t anyone like me!
Day Ten: Set out for Mordor. Boromir acting strangly, think he wants the ring. He offers to
teach us sword fighting. He cut me and i kicked him in the leg, rolled around for abit on the
floor, quite fun. Have a feeling Aragorn jealous. yes! Birds flew over head, spoiled the fun.
Day Twelve: Climbing up mountain. Bit chilly. Aragorn and Boromir fought over who would
carry Frodo, Aragorn won, I hitched a ride with him. God its nice to be against his hard and
manly chest. Have slight feeling Aragorn was holding Frodo’s butt. Blasted Frodo. Mountain of
snow fell, decided to go a different way, Gandalf worried, he hates Gimli.
Day Fourteen:
It’s dark in the mines. Legolas is getting a spot, the best bit is Elf spots last 500 years!HA!
Serves that Elf right, always pointing out how good looking he is, with his silky blond hair and
perfect butt.........
Day Fifteen:
Aragorn keeps pinching Frodo, WHY WON’T HE PINCH ME!!!! Knocked over dead Dwarf, woken
Orks, Frodo stabbed again. He’s just an attention seeker. God. I see him for who he really is,
Aragorn stealer! Bad News. Big dark thing killed Gandalf, feel awful, was just starting to like
him. Boromir carried Frodo out of the mines, i bet he enjoyed that. They’re slobbering over
him!
Day Sixteen: Entering Lothlorien. Frodo stood on thorn and screamed like a girl. Not so
attractive now! Met Galadriel, she was hot, wouldn’t mind her in the sack. Galadriel’s hitting on
Frodo. What’s so special about him, love me! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Damn that Galadriel.
Day Seventeen:
Been given boats. Glad to leave Lothlorien. Feeling abit sea sick, maybe i’ll aim for Aragorn.
Offered to give Frodo a group masage, he has the softest shoulders.
Damn that Frodo
Day Eighteen:
Stopped for a rest. Boromir tried to take the ring from Frodo, I swear he was giving him
cuddle. Attacked by Orks. Boromir Dead. Bit sad really he had a great package.
Got captured by Oaks. Sword keeps poking me.
Damn that sword.
Tjo! Det var det...
Here we go...
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN
Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned
a squirrel and ate it. Still not King.
Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet.
Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King.
Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog. Not King today
either.
Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. Very good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be
hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?
Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam
would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir.
He’s not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King.
Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a
threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King.
Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer.
Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not
so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I
was. Might however have been blood loss.
Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My
God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King,
goddammit.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny
little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time?
Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back
down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am
developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.
Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my
nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest,
despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure
she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint.
She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose
to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in
800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.
Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting
to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.
Day 33: Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have
everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange
letters from someone calling herself ”Stacey” who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood.
Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he
expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir
definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off
to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure
Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky
braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he’s so
great because he’s shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because
someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly
stubble doesn’t mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go
on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn’s enormous...rudeness. Ooops.
Day Three: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he’d feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his... Stupid
Ring.
Day Five: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him
if he tries anything.
Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. ”Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo.” ”Boromir, let
*me* carry Frodo up Caradhras.” ”Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo’s head while he’s
asleep so you can get at the Ring.” Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten: Why isn’t Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not
turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.*
Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too.... In other news, Gandalf died.
Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet
unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take
baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.
Day 33: Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won’t even let me look at it. Must admit I had
a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went
invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the
face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS
Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me
fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn’t quite entirely
sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf
medicine.
Day Three: Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Day Four: Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras.
Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be
affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after the
Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had no
idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not
just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just very peculiar.
Day 24: Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me
as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day 27: Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying,
”No, there’s something else I’d rather have from you, Frodo Baggins,” and trying to slide foot
up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of
them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day 30: Rowed all day in boats. Very tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group
massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although
did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we’re
cousins, right? Right?
Day 33: Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also
tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.
Day 36: Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Good
thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he’s so
good at. Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea
of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would
have liked me anyway.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE
Day One: Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be all right
as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die. Did I say that out loud?
Day Three: Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to
help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave
him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six
baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee. Poncy old git probably hasn’t taken a bath since
the Second Age.
Day Four: Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Day Five: Elf bubble bath colorful and pretty. Gandalf no fun at all. *sulk*
Day Six: Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers
are all wrinkled. Decided not to tell him about all the baths.
Day Seven: Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr. Frodo is so
brave, handsome, tall and wonderful! Okay, so possibly isn’t all that tall.
Day Eight: Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship very dodgy if you ask me. Especially
Boromir. ”Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight” my Aunt Lobelia. Obviously pervy
hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.
Day Nine: Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he
tries anything.
Day Ten: Dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he
tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark. Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something
later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from
Shire not versed in wordly ways. Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli. Ick.
Day Fifteen: Lothlorien very pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left,
right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would make relationship
impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts. Hate Pippin.
Day Twenty-Two: Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady. Not sure where going exactly,
but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as
long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.
Day Twenty-Three: Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of
course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to take Ring so
as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that’s a big fib don’t we.
Day Twenty-Four: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor.
Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say
goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the
barren wastelands of the Dark Lord’s realm. We will see about that.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
Day One: In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just
hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Day Two: Bilbo’s Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho
nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups.
Fellover.
Day Three: Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Day Twelve: Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me
anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of
my inbox again.
Day Thirteen: Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy
hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen: Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen: Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for
giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you’d think I might have figured
out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen: Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo
baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty: Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into
the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case
Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Day Twenty-One: Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked
Sam to give me a bath. He said, ”Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you’re not serious.” Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three: Cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo
up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may
have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five: Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry
about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Day Twenty-Six: In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Day Twenty-Seven: Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of
Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see
Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond
does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
Day One: Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to
Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Day Two: Have met very nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just
because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
Day Three: Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except
of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have
heard some very bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Day Seven: Well, wouldn’t you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just
my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of
evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have
manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
Day Nine: Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to
yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old
Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he’s got a
hobbit, and I’m just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this
treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown.
Go me.
Day Thirteen: Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf.
Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and
would not have to wait until after breakfast.
Day Fourteen: All right, who’s been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Day Fifteen: Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save
me daily stair climb.
Day Sixteen: Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip
with four hobbits, a very buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that’s Aragorn son
of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then
there’s a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it’s a dwarf. What a
bunch of yobbos.
Day Twenty: Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. Very tedious
experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers.
Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create
super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Day Twenty-Two: Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be
so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be
Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
Day Twenty-Four: If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Day Twenty-Five: Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer very impressed. Aragorn obviously
fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Six: Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with
one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has
long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that ”Gondor” sounds just like ”gonad”
and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Day Twenty-Eight: Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir
convinced smallest hobbit to ”Blow the Horn of Gondor.” Have not laughed so hard since set
Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill.
Palantir great. Better than cable.
TTHE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PIPPIN
Day One: Decided to go with Frodo and Sam to Brie. Frodo is being followed by riders. Evil
little buggers, nearly killed Frodo.
Day Two: At the Prancing Pony. Gandalf stood us up. Had nice drinky with lads at inn, v.nice
chaps. Man kidnapped Frodo, Sam wants to kill him.
Day Three: Man knows about ring! Says he’s Strider, taking us to see Elves. He looks rugged
and manly. I wonder if he has a partner?
Day Four: Very hungery. Strider doesn’t know about second breakfast. This trip is getting
worse, but Strider has nice thighs. Dark Riders attack... stab Frodo. He’s going green. Strider
is really upset, I think he likes Frodo. Damn Strider.
Day Eight: Frodo has finally woke up. We’re at Rivindell, the elves are v.nice, but I think they
have their eye on Frodo. Damn Frodo’s cuteness! Loads of people arrived today, something
about a council meeting. Me and Merry having a laff, got into trouble for dying an Elf’s hair
pink while he was having a bath. Made to scub it out, took two days, hands now red. Damn
those Elves.
Day Nine: Volenteered to go to Mordor with Frodo and some weird people. Bad move! Found
out Strider is Aragorn king to Gondor. What a turn on! Sam keeps insisting to bath Frodo,
strange feeling Sam’s interested in him. Damn my cousin, why doesn’t anyone like me!
Day Ten: Set out for Mordor. Boromir acting strangly, think he wants the ring. He offers to
teach us sword fighting. He cut me and i kicked him in the leg, rolled around for abit on the
floor, quite fun. Have a feeling Aragorn jealous. yes! Birds flew over head, spoiled the fun.
Day Twelve: Climbing up mountain. Bit chilly. Aragorn and Boromir fought over who would
carry Frodo, Aragorn won, I hitched a ride with him. God its nice to be against his hard and
manly chest. Have slight feeling Aragorn was holding Frodo’s butt. Blasted Frodo. Mountain of
snow fell, decided to go a different way, Gandalf worried, he hates Gimli.
Day Fourteen:
It’s dark in the mines. Legolas is getting a spot, the best bit is Elf spots last 500 years!HA!
Serves that Elf right, always pointing out how good looking he is, with his silky blond hair and
perfect butt.........
Day Fifteen:
Aragorn keeps pinching Frodo, WHY WON’T HE PINCH ME!!!! Knocked over dead Dwarf, woken
Orks, Frodo stabbed again. He’s just an attention seeker. God. I see him for who he really is,
Aragorn stealer! Bad News. Big dark thing killed Gandalf, feel awful, was just starting to like
him. Boromir carried Frodo out of the mines, i bet he enjoyed that. They’re slobbering over
him!
Day Sixteen: Entering Lothlorien. Frodo stood on thorn and screamed like a girl. Not so
attractive now! Met Galadriel, she was hot, wouldn’t mind her in the sack. Galadriel’s hitting on
Frodo. What’s so special about him, love me! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Damn that Galadriel.
Day Seventeen:
Been given boats. Glad to leave Lothlorien. Feeling abit sea sick, maybe i’ll aim for Aragorn.
Offered to give Frodo a group masage, he has the softest shoulders.
Damn that Frodo
Day Eighteen:
Stopped for a rest. Boromir tried to take the ring from Frodo, I swear he was giving him
cuddle. Attacked by Orks. Boromir Dead. Bit sad really he had a great package.
Got captured by Oaks. Sword keeps poking me.
Damn that sword.
Tjo! Det var det...
